Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
You Might Also Like
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
quarantine day 3
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.