i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby