My son’s blood type is parmesan.
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uncle dave has been through hell
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Great Canadian literature.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left