4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
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Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
<—- homeless romantic
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
me as a parent
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.