Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
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my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
this is the most humiliating day of my life
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I want what they have
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.