My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
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Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
congratulations to them
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”