*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
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I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Check your privilege
an airline just for babies.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now