‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
You Might Also Like
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Imma just leave this here…………
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]