If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
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My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.