wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
All. The. Damn. Time.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.