[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.