Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
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I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
still the best tweet of the year by far
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.