Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her