cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone