Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
uncle dave has been through hell
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Is this the real life?
Is this just
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement