Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
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Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?