everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.