I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.