gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
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Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
He wanted to make sure😂
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!