Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
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[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!