Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
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Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Ovenable?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.