Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
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Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
December birthdays be like…
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
this is how life feels
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*