How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
*serious situation*
My brain:
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?