bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
You Might Also Like
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
When you kidnap a writer.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop