[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
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A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
How can I say no to this ?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.