one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
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My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Uh oh…
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.