*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
You Might Also Like
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Snapes on a plane.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.