What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
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Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.