He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
#Caturday
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot