Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
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Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Yup.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know