Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
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I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
do u think theres a butter planet?
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur