My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
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My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth