I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
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I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training