#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
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THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.