Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
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I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good