Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
This makes total sense…
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
#math
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.