[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
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[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Lassie, get help!
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I don’t think my car can fly
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.