Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
You Might Also Like
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Oops I deleted….
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.