When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
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I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Storm Tropical Storm
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt