Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Bed should get ready for ME
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.