Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
You Might Also Like
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores