#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT