When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
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I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Not today
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.