Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
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leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Good morning.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money