Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”