Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
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there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Gemma Correll
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.