All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Remember folks 😂
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy: