[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
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Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.