It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
#have a #great #PancakeDay
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”