*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…